What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse can be:

• Physical – hurting someone by doing things like hitting, pushing or kicking
• Emotional – sayings things to frighten someone or make them feel bad such as telling them they are stupid, ugly or worthless
• Controlling behaviour – stopping someone from acting freely such as keeping them from seeing their friends and family, not letting them have a job or not letting them spend money.  Also forcing someone to do things that they don't feel comfortable doing.

Are you worried about whether domestic abuse is happening in your family? Have a think about the statements below and answer honestly.

If you have answered 'yes' to some of these questions, you could be in an abusive family and may want to speak to someone about your worries.

What can I do?

You’ll need to give your name, address and telephone number and tell the police what is happening.

The police will probably come to your house and talk to your mum, dad or any other adults. They may even talk to you. They should make sure you are okay and have not been hurt. They may take away the person who was violent, shouting or threatening to hurt someone. Whatever happens, you should remember that it is not your fault.

Get in touch with Harbour – If you do not feel you are in immediate danger, we have special staff at Harbour that you can talk to about what’s been happening to you or someone you’re worried about. They will listen to you and understand how you might be feeling. They can come and talk to you at school or somewhere else that’s safe for you. You can get in touch by calling 03000 20 25 25.

Tell someone what's happening - talking to someone like a teacher or another adult you trust can be a good idea. They will want to make sure that you and your family are safe so they might want to talk to your mum too. If they are worried that you might get hurt they may have to tell someone else. They should always tell you what they are doing and who they are planning to talk to.

You might want to visit the Hideout - a great website for children and young people with advice, real life stories and questions to answer if you're unsure whether it's happening to you - www.thehideout.org.uk

Domestic abuse can also happen between teenagers who are in relationships. This website has lots of advice and information for young people who are worried about this: thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk

Keeping Safe

• Make sure you know how to dial 999 and call for help
• Tell someone you trust what’s happening - a teacher or another adult
• Don’t try and stop a fight even if you feel you need to protect the person being hurt. This can be very dangerous and you may be hurt yourself
• If you’re worried about a friend and think they might find the information on this website or other websites useful, don’t email a link to them unless you know it’s safe to do so.

Remember...

• What’s happening is not your fault
• There are lots of people who can help you
• You don’t have to deal with this by yourself
• You can’t protect anyone in your family on your own and it’s not your responsibility to
• Hitting or hurting someone is against the law. No-one has the right to do it

How can we help you?

Our approach is to give children and young people an opportunity to have someone listen to their experiences and help them to deal with their feelings about this. Each child or young person’s support is different as we tailor the content to meet your needs and our approach depends upon your interests. We use play, art, drama, sport and discussion during our sessions.

We can cover things like feelings, safety, healthy relationships, worries, bullying and dealing with anger. We sometimes work individually, sometimes in groups with children or young people of a similar age.

Children’s Voices

Here are some voices of children we have supported recently telling us about their experiences

Harbour provides services for those who have been abusive to a partner in County Durham, Darlington, Redcar and Cleveland, Hartlepool, Stockton on Tees, Northumberland and North Tyneside.

If you are worried that you have or might hurt someone you care about then there is help available.

Have you abused your partner or ex-partner in any of the following ways?

• Called your partner names and put them down
• Stopped your partner from seeing family and friends
• Controlled your partner’s money
• Threatened your partner or your children
• Attacked your partner or partner’s family
• Forced your partner to have sex
• Used jealousy to control your partner
• Smashed furniture or destroyed your partner’s belongings
• Blamed your partner for the abuse

If you have answered yes to any of these questions then you need to consider whether this is the person you want to be.

Facing up to abusive behaviour can be one of the most difficult things you do. It can also be one of the best. You might be blaming your partner, you might be blaming alcohol or financial problems – but you know, deep down, this is something you need to stop.

We have helped hundreds of people to learn to change their behaviour and have safer, healthier relationships. 

Who is this for?

Harbour’s services vary depending upon the area in which you live so you need to contact us to see what is available in your area.

Our main area of work on abusive behaviours is with men who have been abusive to a female partner.

How do I join?

You can contact us directly and arrange an initial meeting or you can be referred from an agency such as Social Services. We will invite you to meet with one of our team to discuss the changes you want to make.

What happens next?

If we think our programme can help you then we will invite you to attend. We will also contact your partner or ex-partner before you start, to offer her support as well.

What do the sessions cover?

The sessions are designed to help you end your abusive and controlling behaviour and build more respectful relationships and refer to different aspects of violence and control, and look at skills for better relationships and parenting. 

Can I have individual appointments instead?

Our experience is that groups work better at helping men to understand violent behaviour and change it.

What about other groups of people who are being abusive in their relationships?

Harbour has the knowledge and experience to offer interventions to women who are being abusive and young people being abusive to either parents or within intimate relationships but the availability of these programmes depends upon the funding available in each area. If these are issues for you, still contact us and we will try our best to identify a suitable service for you.

The most important step you can take to protect yourself and your children from abuse is to build a safety plan. 

Since you know your abuser's actions and behaviour, you can use this knowledge and build a plan.

Your plan may include some of the following:

• Practice how you will leave the home safely in an emergency
• Teach your children how to call 999
• Tell at least one trusted family member or friend what is happening
• Arrange to have a safe place to go to
• Prepare a small bag of clothes, medication and other essentials for yourself and your children. Hide the bag where you can get to it in a hurry if you have to leave quickly
• Make several copies of important papers and keep one set in the bag (other copies could go to trusted friends or be left somewhere safe, e.g. at work). You will need things such as driving license, birth certificates, passports, financial/insurance information, benefit letters, court orders etc.
• Keep your address book and diary with you
• If you have a car, hide the extra set of keys where you can get to them if you need to.

If you are experiencing abuse it is important to tell someone before it gets worse. If you are experiencing violence or threats of violence, please go into your local police station for help or call the Police on 101, which is their non-emergency number. 

You can of course contact us at Harbour by telephone (03000 20 25 25) or via our Facebook page which has a private messaging facility. www.facebook.com/harboursupportservices

Women’s Aid has produced an excellent resource for those in an abusive relationship known as the Survivor’s Handbook. It can also be viewed in different languages and formats on their website: Visit the Survivor's Handbook

Refuges

Harbour refuges are available in Hartlepool, Stockton, Redcar, Northumberland, North Tyneside, Peterlee and Durham

Imagine a place you could stay with your children, a place where you feel safe, with all the support you need to help you get your life back on track.

Families sometimes arrive at our refuges with only the clothes they are wearing; frightened and uncertain they have done the right thing. They are able to stay with us whilst they take time to think and make changes to the way they want to live.

During that time, we provide practical support with:

• Securing safe, permanent housing
• Accessing legal advice
• Accessing financial advice
• Accessing healthcare
• Your relationship with your children
• Helping you rebuild your confidence
• Helping you rebuild your interests and social networks

We also provide support for all the children and young people living in our refuges. We help them to talk about their feelings, give them space to play and be children again. We currently have staff members funded through Comic Relief who provide help to young people who are struggling to deal with their situation and it is impacting upon their attendance at school or their behaviour.

Click to find out more about our work with Children and Young People

In the community

Harbour community outreach available in County Durham, Darlington, Redcar and Cleveland, Hartlepool, Stockton, Northumberland and North Tyneside

Many people want to access some advice and support but don’t necessarily need accommodation as well and they can access our community service, sometimes known as outreach.

Harbour Support Workers provide advice, guidance and practical assistance to women and men affected by an abusive relationship. This can be 1 to 1 sessions with a member of our team, in a group with other people or a combination of both.

Our service can include:

• Safety planning, to enable you to reduce the risks of harm to you and your children
• Advice about housing, including the security of your home
• Access to advice about your civil and criminal legal options
• Support with attending court
• Access to financial/budgeting advice
• Programmes to enable you to rebuild your confidence
• Help to rebuild your involvement in the community
• Access to support for your children
• Support to rebuild your relationship with your children
• Access to support with retraining and/or job hunting
• Signposting to other specialist services which may benefit you

Support available for children & young people

Harbour works with children and young people in County Durham, Darlington, Redcar and Cleveland, Hartlepool, and Stockton on Tees.

Even when children don’t see domestic abuse, they usually know it is happening and it can affect them significantly. 

Our therapeutic service gives your child a safe and confidential space to work through their experiences and often muddled feelings.   We don’t tread on your toes as a parent or make judgements – we’re here to help children to explore what is troubling them and support them as they go through major changes in their lives.  

We help children from aged 3 to 17. We work with therapeutic play for young children, and creative arts as well as talking for older children and young people.  All the sessions are at local, safe and child-friendly venues.

Our staff are experienced in helping children and young people who have lived with domestic abuse and we make sure that children take things at their own pace and that sessions cover topics which the children agree are relevant.  

If you would like your son or daughter to see us, we usually meet the parent first for an assessment. This is to make sure that the service is the right option at this point, and to also discuss confidentiality in how we work.